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Mother Fucking Moose

There is a common misconception that the grizzly bear is the most dangerous animal in the Alaska woods. This isn’t to say a bear won’t kill you if given the chance, but in all honesty, those encounters are rare.

Nope, the beast that you need to worry about is the moose. Moose are big, ugly and everywhere. Moose don’t like you or your kind. If nature wants to kill you, Moose want to fuck you up before it does.

With this in mind, I was a taken aback when the biker passing us shouted, “Moose a mile or two down the way.”

My heart raced.

I was trying to balance the danger of the situation with my enthusiasm for an actual, up close Moose encounter.

Would it dart out from the side of the trail and check us like a 4 ton angry, ugly hockey player? What would the headlines say?

STUPID TOURIST FROM ARIZONA KILLED BY LOCAL MOOSE.

I wrestled with my inner Moose demons. Then it happened.

Stacy was riding out in front as I glanced to the right.

MOTHER FUCKING MOOSE! Right there, a MOTHER FUCKING MOOSE.

It was just standing there. It’s beady red eyes glaring at me. It was so close I could have reached out and given it a high five. Then I remembered that you should never high-five a Moose.

Stacy didn’t see the Moose. I almost missed it. The damn thing blending completely into the forest. And of course now that I saw it, it was now my duty to alert her.

So, I yelled STAAAAACCCCCCYYYYYY MMMOOOTHHHER FUUUUCKKKKKINGGGG MOOOOOOSSSSSE.

I’m not blaming the bike industry for what happened next, but why do we need brakes on the front wheel of a bike? Suddenly I found myself in an Alaskan forest ditch with a Moose looking at my ass like it was dinner.

Not today Moose, not today. If Alaska is going to eat me, I would prefer it be a bear. Is this why they are so angry?

Lucky for me, my years of Moose training kicked in and I was quickly to my feet. As I looked back, the Moose winked at me. Mutual respect?

Stacy never did see the Moose.

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